How to Spot College Freshmen--An Upperclassman's Guide

In a week or two, classes would resume in many schools in the Philippines, including colleges and universities. Every year, these institutions of higher learning welcome a new breed of fresh-from-high-school students, popularly known as "freshmen", "freshies", or "frosh".

It is during the first few weeks of school that these freshmen find themselves lost in this new environment of theirs, since many of them start out having no friends at all, or some may even be also adjusting to city life, if the institution is located at an urban area. Some may be too eager to try out their new-found freedom which they have been deprived of during the first 16-18 years of their lives, which may cause them to commit irresponsible acts which they may regret later on. Either that, or they are forcefully made to realize that even in college, there ARE rules or regulations that they should follow.

For those like me who do know how it felt like to be one of these freshmen, it is certainly funny now to look back at those "awkward" days, which could drive the faint of heart to the brink of insanity. Let's take a look back at those days, shall we?

This "trip down memory lane" will come in the form of a guide for upperclassmen, which would also be helpful if one wishes to avoid close contact with any of them, or if one is too eager to get close to them to recruit them to your organization. Here goes:

1. They just can't seem to let go of their high school varsity jackets or "Seniors" T-shirts

Even if they graduated from high school a few months ago, they still can't seem to get over their old alma mater and choose to bring remnants of it into their new one. Either that or they still haven't bought enough clothes for college, after having been used to wearing school uniforms since their pre-school days (some colleges or universities here in the country choose to be more "western" and do not have uniforms).

2. A lot of them are NOT at the school cafeteria during the lunch hour

These freshmen will most likely be trooping to the nearest mall or fast food restaurant with their new friends (or old friends, even) during their lunch break, so if you're eager to talk them into joining your club, do not head straight to the cafeteria. Ask any college freshman about what excites them the most about college, and they would likely be giving answers such as "I can finally go out of campus whenever I want!" or something similar. For them, munching on calorie-laden food products with all sorts of preservatives (rather than going for more nutritious options at the cafeteria) IS freedom. 

3. The male freshmen have long (and often weird) hairstyles

Many high schools in the Philippines maintain strict haircut policies for its male students. Even if they wanted to grow their hair long, many male high schoolers are forced to comply with this haircut rule. When they get to college, however, they realize that this rule which they have endured throughout their grade school and high school years is virtually non-existent, and then grow their hair long just because, damn it, they can, even if it does not really look good on them at all.

Either that, or it is really just inherent for male freshmen to believe that having longer hair would help them in absorbing whatever their professors would teach them in class.

4. They block the hallways, the staircases or entrances

If you're running late for your next class, there is nothing more annoying than having a big group of freshmen blocking your way by walking side-by-side or walking so slowly you'd think they're part of a funeral procession. Unfortunately, there is really no way to avoid this, and many upperclassmen have cleverly thought of ways to make them get out of the way. 

There are numerous theories to explain this phenomenon, but the most credible one seems to be that freshmen do this because they see being part of large groups as a defense mechanism, since each seemingly-weak freshmen, when combined together in a large group, would make up a very powerful whole. This behavior is also inherent in many animals such as lions or flamingos. 

Animals like forming big groups to protect one another; freshmen like forming big groups to protect one another; therefore, freshmen are animals. 

4. You would rarely see them alone

Whereas an upperclassman may want to occasionally spend time alone (like to study at the library for an important exam), college freshmen just can't seem to get rid of their large group of friends--yes, even at the library. As I said previously, freshmen see being part of large groups as a form of defense mechanism, or at least to make them feel less lonely or inferior in their new environment where everyone seems to be older than these freshmen are.

5. They diligently attend their classes

Since they are still fresh out of high school, they haven't quite gotten the "if I cut class I'll get in trouble with the school officials" notion out of their system just yet. Because of this, freshmen classrooms are filled with over-eager (or scared) freshmen who pay strict attention to the professor, have their textbooks open right in front of them, or take careful notes in class.

That is, of course, until they discover the beauty of having an allotted number of allowed absences per semester and then start using them up whenever they don't feel like attending class, to oversleep, or to hang out with their friends. 

6. They bring the heaviest bags to school

If you see people bringing huge, bulging bags that make them look like they're about to go on a month-long backpacking trip to the jungles of the Amazon, then they're most probably freshmen. 

These backpacks are filled with all sorts of stuff--textbooks, organization or club pamphlets that were handed out to them during orientation, carefully-color coded notebooks for each of their classes, and a wide array of highlighters, neon pens, post-its, snacks, tumblers, small umbrellas, iPads, iPods, laptops, or pad paper which are not really necessary, but brought along anyway "just in case I need it". 

7. They're lost and are asking for directions to get to the buildings and classrooms

During the first few days (or weeks) of the school year, when they still diligently go to their classes, it is not uncommon for these freshmen to get lost while on their way to a building or classroom where their next class would be held. Lost and confused, they would stop and ask the upperclassmen that they see, looking at them as if they were information counters at the mall. 

There are numerous stories about "lost and confused" freshmen, but the most famous of these would have to be the "Excuse me, where is room TBA?" or "Where is the TBA building" questions that are commonly heard in many colleges and universities in the country.

How to Make a Filipino Movie (and Make Money Out of It!)

You think you're eligible enough to be the country's next award-winning top movie producer? Well, you might just be one if you set your eyes to it--or follow these simple steps to work your way through the Philippine movie industry.

1. Throw in the Cheesiness

If you think you have what it takes to make a romantic movie, then all you have to do is to follow these basic steps.

First, randomly pick out two actors (one male and one female) and pair them up--it doesn't matter if they even look good together or not. Name the movie after the title of any famous or old, cheesy romantic song, or you may pick a line from these songs. It's almost always like this--I wouldn't be that surprised if in five, ten, or fifteen years we would have movies called "We Found Love", "Call Me Maybe" or "Next to You". Have someone sing a cover version of the song you selected and put it in as part of the movie's original soundtrack. Again, it does not matter if the cover version actually sounds good or not. 

Story-wise, first have these two lead actors' characters in a situation that would make people think that they would never end up together (for example--the lead actor comes from a filthy rich family while the lead actress works as a maid). Then by some random twist of fate, they do end up falling in love, but with a twist--either one is actually already engaged or one is suddenly diagnosed with a deadly illness, or whichever works for you. By the end of the movie, however, they do end up together anyway, and they live happily ever after.

Making a movie like this takes A LOT of hard work, so it would be a shame if the movie does not earn enough money to make it a "box office hit". This is where the promotions come in.

A promotions campaign for a Filipino romantic movie would never be complete without a mall tour. So, load up your actors in a van and bring them to any mall (Star Mall, Ever Gotesco or Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall, anyone?), where people could watch them flirt with each other and sing the movie's "official song" (based on the title), even if one or both of them couldn't really sing to save their lives. People LOVE that, and it makes them kilig. I'm not even kidding.

2. Repetition, repetition, repetition!

The Filipino audience just LOVES seeing movie franchises stretched and used to a point that you wouldn't believe (and which some Hollywood producers wouldn't even dare doing). People just love it when the same movie franchises grace the annual film festivals, and they just can't stop watching them. While some people may say "Oh no...not this movie franchise again!" others just simply enjoy seeing the same movie franchises with the same cast (though sometimes these repetitions may feature a new set of actors) reprise their roles as a mother of twelve or a superhero. 

I mean, so what if that horror film franchise Shake Rattle & Roll reaches its 55th edition? People will continue to watch it! 

Hmm...something tells me we haven't seen the last of Vic Sotto as Enteng Kabisote.

3. Don't Forget the Nudity! (for Indie Films only)

...or male nudity, in particular, which is a common sight in many of these independent films nowadays, and is probably the main reason why people would even actually watch these type of movies. You may also want to throw in a bit of female nudity if you want, just so you could attract a bit more people to watch your films, which are usually just shown in a few mall cinemas (and *coughs* that state university in Diliman *coughs*), because a lot of other cinemas deem these films to be inappropriate. 

Also, when you're being interviewed about your movie, refer to it as an "art film" that aims to "expose the people to the harsh realities of life in the Philippines". Avoid calling them softcore pornographic films (which they actually are) because even less cinemas would want to play them. 

4. Make the people cry buckets

Filipinos are known to be one of the happiest people on Earth--despite the poverty and other problems plaguing our country, Filipinos are still able to laugh off these problems. This is why Filipinos turn to drama films (or TV series) as a form of escapism--to escape from the general "happiness" that Filipinos are known to have.

So how do you make the ideal Filipino tearjerker?

Well, as Asians, nothing is more important to Filipinos than the family. One's family means so much to a Filipino, and one would be willing to make a lot of sacrifices just to make his or her family happy (case in point: overseas Filipino workers).

To make a successful Filipino drama film, make the story revolve around a family. Not just any family, though--it has to be a family that is going through a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of challenges. Hmm...maybe you could make one member of the family mentally retarded; or make the family dirt poor; or make one of the lead characters an OFW who has to leave his or her family in the Philippines to work abroad, or whatever. Make the family suffer throughout the movie--nothing captivates the Filipino audience more than seeing people suffer in a movie (quite sadistic--but, yeah).

Every Filipino drama film has to have one super mega intense confrontation scene--this usually comes in as the film reaches its climax, and this is where most of the tears from the audience are expected. Have the characters scream at each other's throats, and match it with seemingly endless sobbing, wailing, and slapping. End this confrontation scene with the two fighting characters hugging each other while crying, then cue the dramatic music in the background.

Plus points, too, if you add in a "lean-against-the-wall-and-slowly-slide-down-then-wail-as-loudly-as-you-can" scene, and even more plus points if someone actually dies in the movie.

Temple Run: The Movie